Tuesday, August 17, 2010

i'm not good enough. i never will be.

i'm not good enough. i never will be. today when i was lying next to my mom, who was crying, her words were playing in my head. what she wants is to leave this house. i still don't know if that means leaving me or just leaving my dad or  leaving us both. she wants love and care and comfort and happiness and everything my dad has failed to give to her. she wants to be on her own.
my dad. well, i don't know anything about him. honestly, i avoid talking to him. he pisses me off, the way he's trying to care, but he doesn't give a crap. he says he's tried his hardest, but i doubt that. he's languid and insolent and awkward. although he's my father, i never feel like he is. i feel like he's just there. it's probably the same feeling my mom feels towards me.
my parents are the most different people in the world, but don't opposites attract? i guess not. screw science.
i guess i'm acting childish, but i have no idea what i want. a divorce? a separation? living together? i just need everything to work out. i just don't know how.
every morning feels like a routine. i get up and the rest of the day is decided by the friction between my parents. when it's good, we have a terse moment of happiness and relief and pure joy. but usually, our house is silent and macabre, and any wrong word can let it all out. let out everything that they, my parents, have been holding inside.
i've grown accustomed to just staying my room. i've distanced myself from the family. next year i'll be off to college and i'll be free from this place. but then again, i'm being selfish. if i leave, what happens to my mom? does she cry even more?
i pray and pray that everything gets better, but i, obviously, lack the skill to change it all. i know if it weren't for me, their only child, they would have separated. mom could live fine on her own. as could dad. but because of me, they're suffering and i don't know how long it'll last. despite my efforts, i know i'm not good enough. i never will be.



Anonymous said...

Don't distance yourself.

AA said...

anonymous - haha thanks for the advice :) i was really mad that day when i wrote it. :O

Anonymous said...

Is this happening to you or are you just writing it?

AA said...

it is happening. some days its really bad so i write it in my blog.